So many things to say, so little importance..

That sort of sums up my attitude to blogging. Some people use blogging as a way of making money, however some of us (I wish it was most of us) just use it as a release.

Friends have come back to me after the last couple of entries about depression, so I am pleased about that. I just hope that they will follow the links.

What I wanted to talk aout today was/is Lou Reed. Lou has been a part of my life for more than 40 years. The passage of time scares me. What scares me most is when a middle of the road radio station (Capital FM) plays Walk on the Wild Side mid afternoon without any discussion about the subject matter. I was at work in a warehouse (following my redundany I am now carrying boxes for a living) when the song came on. I stopped, both to listen to the music and to wonder why such a sleazy (I like sleazy) song would be played between songs by Heaven 17 and some other boy band.

It seems that WotWS is acceptable now as no one worries about the words in songs anymore. I am sorry but this song is about drugs, transvestites, sex for money, intolerance, and all manner of things. A commercial station with only 200 songs on the play list should either A) Play songs that have been requested. B) Play songs that are innofensive or C) Play songs that have a meaning and THEN TALK ABOUT THE PROBLEMS ASSOCIATED WITH THE ISSUES IN THE SONGS…….

What the hell, I enjoyed listening to Lou for 6 minutes (yes, they did talk over the end of the track……)

My problem is that music is now being treated as a product. Music is not a product. It is (should be) about communication of emotion and thought and reflection about the human condition.

“Pull Yourself Together”

The last post was one in which I spoke of depression, in my case brought on by a number of factors, not the least of which was the loss of my job. I have found another job, less money, worse hours (a late shift in a warehouse), but for the same company. The one that decided that they did not need 2 people working in the Health and safety department, well, there are only 400+ employees…….

Not unnaturally I looked at the Internet to see what I could find out about depression in men. After all, we men do not go to our doctors. I do not know why we do not use our GPs more but it is a fact that we do not. One site that I found useful was Depression and Suicide in Men If for no other reason that it did confirm that I am suffering from something other than feeling sorry for myself. Here are some of the tell tale signs;

pervasive low mood
loss of interest and enjoyment
reduced energy and diminished activity.

Other features can also be present, including:

poor concentration and attention
poor self-esteem or self-confidence
ideas of guilt and unworthiness
a bleak pessimistic view of the future
thinking about, planning, or attempting suicide
crying for no reason
disturbed sleep
poor appetite
decreased interest in sex

The recommendation from the site is that that if you have any of the symptoms you should talk to your doctor. If you have 3 or 4 symptoms and have thought about committing suicide you should talk to your doctor, urgently.

I certainly have a few of the symptoms. However, it seemed to me when I first read the list that everyone must qualify. It was not until I talked to a couple of male friends that I realised that they did not but I have on a number of occasions throughout my life. So, it seems that I have had several bouts of depression and come through them one way or another. I am sure that it will be the same this time. I have no desire to resort to medication, I have even cut down on my medicine of choice (whiskey).

I know that it will take a while but at least last weekend I was able to face going to have a meal with friends. For a number of weeks I have not been able to do that. I had been out for a social drink twice during the last month and had to leave very early because I could not stand the company of good friends.

If you are suffering from depression there are a number of pieces of advice I would offer. The main one is that the road to recovery is not straight. There will be times when you are feeling markedly better and then you may well slip back again. Talk to your partner, if you have one, they deserve to know what you are going through, so that they can help. It is not their fault if they tell you to pull yourself together if they do not know what is happening inside your head. Do seriously consider talking through your feelings with your GP or someone who you trust.

Above all, if you know anyone who seems to be displaying any of these symptoms then talk to them. You might just save their life.

Suicide or Fly Fishing?

13th April 2008

A strange thing happened on the way to this blog. I was going to talk about the despair that leads towards thoughts of suicide. Instead of which I will be talking about fly fishing.

I got up today and the day was overcast, dry and warm. A good day for fly fishing. When I arrived at the lake which is only 8 to 10 miles from where I live, it was overcast, raining, and cold. I began with 3 flies, as always. There was a small black buzzer (size 14 – the only fly I can tie well) on the top, a larger buzzer on the middle dropper and a large, improbably fluorescent daddy on the point.

None of that means anything to anyone who does not fly fish, I realise. What it does mean is that I was using 3 flies and the fish were having none of it.

Fly fishing is a great leveller of people. You can have all the money in the world and the fish can still turn their noses up at you. I am not a good fly fisher. I have an elbow problem that makes distance casting difficult. One of the great sayings of fly fishing is that not all distance casters are great anglers, but all great anglers can cast a distance.

Anyway, suicide or flyfishing?

I was going to talk about suicide. Not the supercilious ‘here’s how to do it’ type of blog. It was going to be about the despair and depression that lead to thoughts of suicide. The black dog that lives in your soul. The one that I have seen and known recently. Life is hard. My life has been unravelling. Debts that I can not control, a job taken away because of the economic outlook, and my inability to talk to my partner about any of the issues. I feel worthless with a cold pit in my soul.

Why fly fishing today? It is simple. Fly fishing allows me to avoid and forget (for a while) my problems. Fly fishing is a sport of concentration, of luck, and ability. I lack all three, which is a shame.

The point of fly fishing is not to catch fish. The point is to teach humility. Think about it. You cast a hook dressed with feathers that hopefully looks like something a trout might want to eat. The angler tries to make the fish take the imitation fly. The trout look at it and turn away. You have to be humble in this game.

Casting a fly would be easy, if it weighed more that a piece of wool on the end of a 30 foot length of line. Unfortunately it doesn’t. The method is to make the line float in the air, to induce a whip into the line that takes that small fly out onto the water, just for the fish to ignore.

Today I got up at 6:00. I was awake at 4:00 my mind racing about my problems but by 7:00 I was beginning to think about fishing. That is one of the great things about fly fishing. You have to forget your problems. Only calm will do, it is very zen.

I arrived at the small lake at 8:00. It was calm. 2 other anglers were there, they had tackled up and were fishing. I walked along the bank to the spot I like. I laid out my landing net first, as I always do, then I put the rod together and threaded the line through the eyes. No talking, no outside thoughts, just looking at the water, where are the fish rising? This is the quiet time. The time to empty thoughts, to forget. This is the perfect time.

As soon as you begin to fish you lose. Take too many fish and it is too easy. Take none and it is a defeat. Take any and you still lose, unless to take one and immediately pack up your tackle, which is impossible. So you always lose. That is fitting. You spend your time and skill, the fish spend their lives, for you.

The mechanics of fly fishing are simple. You cast the fly, let it sink a bit and retrieve it. The actuality is different. The cast, did it land on the water without disturbing the fish? Let the fly sink to the depth that you think is where the fish are and then retrieve it, trying to make it look alive.

The angler has to forget everything, clear his mind. He can be there for 4 hours or more. He has to have his mind alert for a tug, a slight movement in the line. Then, if he does not react immediately the fish will spit out the cold taste of the hook.

I stood on the bank. I saw my first squirrel of the year. The squirrels that live in our garden have not made an appearance yet but here there was one jumping from tree to tree. The ducks flew in and swam over my line without catching on it, how do they do that? Chaffinches started a domestic argument raising a racket that would disturb the dead, but not the fish.

It begins to rain I cast. It rains some more and I cast again. I wonder about my flies. Should I change them? Perhaps flies with more colour, perhaps bigger would be better.

My hands become cold, red with the breeze and rain. My mind begins to play music. I can not clear my mind of songs. Captain Beefheart songs do not help with my fishing, but the Captain will not go away. he has been part of my life for 40 years, why should he go now? The line twitches, the fish is playing with me. I become aware, the line moves and I lift into a fish.

Another fish follows on the next cast. Then nothing for 2 hours. I go home.

Depression returns and I open a bottle of whiskey. But for 4 hours it was good.

It’s Been a While……..

since I wrote anything.

It has been a busy time, the RSL for Ribble Valley Radio has been and gone, the company I work for has been taken over (about time too), and the world has gone mad.

I usually think that people commenting on world events are somehow stupid. We have no influence on the politicians except at elections and then the choice is usually between Tweedledum and Tweedledumber. So what is the point in expressing any view? None whatsoever. However, I want to say that Israel has over reacted and is committing war crimes (under the agreed definition as their response to acts of aggression have been disproportionate and have targeted civilians).

Now, I have no idea how they should have targeted Hezbollah better. By being alongside the civilians Hezbollah have made any response difficult but the continued attacks on civilian targets is wrong. I understand that the aim is to disrupt the flow of munitions to the south of Lebanon. The consequence is only damaging to Israel’s standing in the world. The politicians (the UK and US ones at least) may stand by them but public opinion will not for any length of time.

The only way to get rid of Hezbollah is to stop the aggression, rebuild Lebanon and have a peace keeping force until the growth of wealth denies Hezbollah the natural support that it has at present and that the aggression is building for the future.

Think about it. If you lived in a country that has been pummelled by it neighbour (whatever the provocation) would you be more likely to accept the punishment meekly or be drawn towards the only effective organisation that could offer a way of striking back?

Case closed.

Ribble Valley Radio

Some time ago I mentioned Ribble Valley Radio. It is a small community radio in a beautiful part of Lancashire in the North West of England. I am the secretary for the group and we broadcast on a temporary licence last year for 28 days. We plan to broadcast again this June.

The problem, of course, is money. To broadcast you need a studio and a licence. Last year we started fromn scratch and raised something like £27,000. We spent £26,000. £21,000 went on equipment and £5,000 on the 28 day licence and the Performing Rights fees. Fundraising is starting again in earnest now that our AGM is out of the way and some new blood has joined the committee. On Saturday, 15th April, we are holding an ‘eggstravaganza’ in the local community hall. Lots of stalls and games. It should prove to be fun and exciting for the local kids, with luck it will also boost our funds, with luck.

I have been involved in some community projects before and one thing that you have to accept is that the people that are also involved are volunteers. This means that they are enthusiatic, over optomistic and often take on more than they can guarantee to do. Take this event for example. Lots of good work has been done and the range of events is wonderful, from childrens’ fancy dress to roll a penny and splat the rat (whatever that is). However, the guy producing the posters has gone down sick, the number of people who volunteered to help has dwindled – after all families want to ‘do’ something over a long holiday weekend – and at the final co-ordination meeting last night there was an undercurrent of mild panic.

I have no doubt that this will prove to be a success, honest. This sense of unease is common on all the events I have been part of in the past, but for the newcomers it is unsettling. The main danger in running a community group is that because some people take on too much one or two individuals pick up the slack and run the risk of burn out.

I think that the point of this article is to say to anyone involved in a community project ‘don’t panic!’ Believe in the dream and keep plodding on. If the eggstravaganza is not a success we will try again with another fundraising event, we will reach our targets, we will be on air in June, then again in December.

Already more fundraisers are in the planning stage. We will have a balloon race with upto 5,000 balloons in July and (my favourite) at least 3 rock concerts featuring local bands, also in July. With each of those events there will be the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as the doors open “will anyone come?” and after each event we will learn more and improve for the next time.

It does not matter what your interests are, get involved in your community.

Put something back!!

ID Cards

I am a Labour voter. I have always voted Labour, I used to be active in the party, but I do not understand the party anymore.

I can not see what ID cards will do for us. To be of any use they would need to be compulsory. If they were compulsory I still doubt if they would put off any terrorist. The authorities would have to find the terrorist before looking at the ID card. ID cards will be forged, of course they will do not believe anyone saying that they will be forgery proof no such animal exists. People will not always carry them and unless the police prosecute everyone that can not produce one one of the main ‘benefits’ goes out the window.

In any event they have ID cards in Germany and terrorists still operate out of there, as we all know to our cost.

More than their effectiveness, or lack of. What I object to is the idea of having to have one at all. There seems to be a creeping erosion of civil liberties. As far as I can see the legislation will enable the police to stop people who look suspicious in their eyes (i.e. asian) and if they do not have a card with them detain them. Do not be fooled this will happen. The authorities will not be stopping prosperous looking white males. All that will happen is that the ethnic minorities will feel further isolated and resentful.

The point of terror is to terrorise. To spread discontent and to make your enemies give up that which they hold dear.

And this from a party that I have always supported and expected to uphold my rights. I will continue to vote Labour but this is no longer the party I joined and worked for 30 years ago.